I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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