One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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