he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
