My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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