Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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