Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
