my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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