I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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