my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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