You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
