So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
