I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
