I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
