Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
