You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
