His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
