So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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