I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
