My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
