new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
