my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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