We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
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i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
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I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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