Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
