The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
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