I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
