Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
