I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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