if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
