i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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