I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
