how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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