Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
