mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
