You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
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