3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
