i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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