question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
