Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
