Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
