oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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