Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I could fuck to npr.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
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