He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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