someone owes me an orgasm
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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