Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
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