I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
