Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
