He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
