my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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