if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
