If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
