I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
