Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently you make a good broom.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you win again, gameday.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
