Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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