I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
