My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
