I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
